If Only There Were Some Way to Know for Sure

Things that someone hypothetically working in the polling department of a major news organization (to make a little quick cash for his hypothetical move to Texas to live with his hypothetical hot blonde girlfriend) during its big "self-proclaimed Tea Party-supporters" survey might have hypothetically have been told over the course of that hypothetical survey:

Q.: Regardless of your overall feelings about Barack Obama, what do you like best about him?

A.: I suppose the fact that he's half-black and half-white does have its primitive romantic appeal.

Q.: Do you think that insurance companies should be required to take all applicants regardless of whether they have a pre-existing medical condition?

A.: [enormous snort of derision to indicate the absurdity of the question:] Listen, suppose someone is always in car accidents; does it make any sense for that person to be able to get car insurance? Actually, I can see how that might be a sore spot for the people who gave us Ted Kennedy...

Q.: Do you think our country needs a third political party to compete with the Democrats and Republicans?

A.: I got one word for you! No, wait, I got two words for you. Puh! Roe! Bitch! [Pause.] I got three words for you!

Q.: Do you think the government bailouts of financial institutions and other business were necessary to help the economy, or do you think the economy would have recovered without it?

A.: [knowing chuckle] Well, I suppose it's a moot point, really, since it's not as if any of those businesses actually got a dime of that money. [Long pause, while the respondent patiently waits for the interviewer, who by this time is an old hand at patient waiting, to go "Huh! Tell me more."] Hey, let's just put it this way: am I the only one who's noticed that Michelle Obama dresses pretty nicely for a woman whose husband has never had a job?

Q.: Do you think it's ever justified to use violence against the federal government or its representatives?

A.: Let me give you a lesson about the U.S. Constitution. I don't suppose you've ever read it, but it clearly states that we have the right to have guns. And if you read it closely, you'll see that it doesn't say anything in there about us only having them to shoot deer. Call me crazy, but I kind of think that our founding fathers were bright enough to know that they should specify that we were only supposed to use the guns to shoot deer, if that's what they'd had in mind.

Q.: If someone lives in a state where the law allows him to openly carry a gun, should he be allowed to openly carry guns into stores and restaurants, or should the proprietors be able to prohibit people from entering their place of business while openly carrying a gun?

A.: It's kind of like that sign you used to see, "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service", isn't it? Except that if you go into a restaurant and the cook goes after you with a cleaver, your ability to defend yourself isn't gonna come down to whether or not you've got your Buster Browns on.

Q.: Does anyone in this household own a handgun, rifle, shotgun, or any other kind of firearm?

A.: I live alone, and no.

Q>: Is your annual income...

A.: But I could get one!

Q.: Ma'am?

A.: I don't own a gun, but I could get one. I could get one today. I could go right out and buy one. In fact, I think I will.

Q.: Cool. Is your annual income...

A.: So then, if someone happened to call me and ask a lot of personal questions and found out that I live alone and confirmed that I was home, I'd be good and ready for him, wouldn't I? I'm sorry, what were you about to ask?



Q.: Do you believe that Barack Obama was born in the United States, or do you think that he was born someplace else?

A.: Welllll, now, I'm gonna have to say that I don't know. Since nobody knows for sure, not even him, since even he admits that he's never seen any trace of a birth certificate, which is a heck of a thing to confess, coming from somebody who's never said anything else in his life that hasn't been proven to be a lie. But seeing as how they haven't found the exact proof of his lying about this, I guess the only reasonable thing is to give him the benefit of the doubt, since if you don't, everybody starts acting as if you're crazy, even though he doesn't look American and doesn't have an American name, and, let's face it, he's so inarticulate that it's hard to believe that he grew up speaking English. He's probably the most inarticulate president we've ever had, and if you just saw him on TV, stumbling and fumbling to try to put three words together and keep all his lies straight, your natural inclination would be to assume that he just learned the language for the first time a year or two ago, which would be the first time anybody heard of him. Which makes it all the more peculiar that nobody, but nobody, wants to investigate this. But until such time as the truth comes out, for now, I guess the only honest answer I or anybody could give to the question, "Is Obama an American?", is: we...just...don't...know!

[For maximum effectiveness, imagine hearing the above answer fifty times in three days from three different people, each of whom sounds more pleased with his or her sly cunning than the last one.]

[update: I have never in my life had so many people respond to the standard "What is the biggest problem facing our country today?" question with some variation on "God is visiting His wrath on us for turning Him away from our schoolhouse doors. I'm a little surprised that, so far as I know, only one person has cited "Jesus Christ" in response to being asked to name which "American political figure now living who you admire the most." But then, somewhere among the many mentions of Sarah Palin and Newt Gingrich and Ron Paul and (presumably from those cunning enough to show that they do like the right kind of black person) Colin Powell, somebody did say "Lee Iacocca", which did have the effect of sending me to Wikipedia to discover, that, sure enough, Lee is indeed still living, maybe more so than Jesus even.]